Lacey and the Magic of Stan
by Crysania
Summary: Written for Lacey Appreciation Day...Lacey Meets Stan [another Calamari!verse fic]


She hears the commotion before she can see it. Of course, this shouldn't surprise her. Gold, for all his following her around like a puppy dog, likes to shove her into the back room when _things_ happen. And if there's one thing that Lacey simply cannot handle it's being shunted aside when something's going down.

She's always been the girl in the middle of the action. Standing proud at the pool table, hustling those little bastards who call themselves _dwarves_ , even though she learned about real dwarfism in school. She's always wanted to tell them that they're just short guys. Short and stout, but not dwarves. Yet that can't do.

Lacey cannot appear smart.

Lacey is the party girl, the one who smokes behind the bleachers and gets drunk at the Rabbit Hole.

If they ever knew she had a strange, almost magnetic, pull to the library they'd laugh her out of the bar. If they knew that sometimes when she had a spare moment she picked up the New York Times crossword puzzle and figured it out with an almost supernatural speed they'd just shake their heads.

And so she doesn't let them know that and she doesn't let Gold know either, grabbing the whiskey he offers to her and raising the glass in a sarcastic toast before she heads to the back room. With the bottle of course. It won't do for him to think that she's anything other than a drunken gold digger (and she gets that pun, even if people think she shouldn't).

She _does_ drink of course. But Lacey prefers the cheaper stuff, the rotgut stuff. It's what she was brought up on, poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks and all that. Gold offers her whiskey that probably costs more than the sofa she crashes on at night.

And sometimes she wonders if she really even likes _any_ of that stuff. She remembers his ordering her iced tea and sometimes can feel the taste of it in her mouth, the slight sweetness, and she wonders when she's ever had it before. She can't quite remember and yet the taste is there. Distinctive and delicious.

So she hides in the back room, whiskey in hand, hip pressed against the table. Her skirt rides up slightly and she likes it that way. She knows Gold does too. She knows _men_ do in general. They watch her as she walks, her legs long in the short skirt and high heels she wears. She sees them, the mouths half open, the lust in their eyes. She knows they want her and yet cannot have her.

She belongs to Mr. Gold, first name unknown.

Usually when Lacey hides out in the back room, Gold speaks in hushed tones to whomever wanders in. She peeks out sometimes, but not for long. She's seen David Nolan, Emma Swan, once even Regina and she shudders at the site. She doesn't know why. It's not like the mayor has anything on her.

And yet Lacey feels cold when she sees her, even if she faces the mayor down with narrowed eyes and a sneer that substitutes for a grin.

So when she hears Gold raise his voice she's surprised. He doesn't like her to know his business. "You can't!" he shouts. _Shouts_. She's not sure she's ever heard him _shout_ before. He sneers. He whispers. He might even raise his voice just a little bit when he's irritated. But this sounds frantic and out of control.

Gold is _never_ out of control.

"Why are you keeping me from her?" The voice that answers Gold is even louder. Louder and strident and she's almost sure she hears something hit the wall and break. And then a second thing.

"Stan!" comes Gold's desperate voice. "Please stop…"

"Rumplestiltskin!" whoever Stan is shouts. Why he's shouting the name of some random fairy tale character is beyond her. Maybe it's because Gold is short. She doesn't mind that, really. She usually likes tall men, big men. But Gold is dangerous and seductive at any height. And if some loud and obnoxious man wants to call him stupid nicknames, who is she to argue?

"Don't go back there," Gold says. It's a warning. She hears the growl in his voice and she feels herself grow a little warm. Maybe she should…

"I want to see her!" the man shouts again. His voice is strange. A little high-pitched, too loud and booming. She's never heard a voice quite so…well…quite so obnoxious before. She's not sure she likes this Stan person.

"You can't," Gold says again. His voice is higher pitched than she's probably ever heard it.

There's silence for a moment.

And then perhaps the most mournful voice Lacey has _ever_ heard. "I miss her!" It's this Stan person again. Howling. It's followed by a strange noise, a sort of wet sucking _squish_ and the sound of something breaking.

"I miss her too," Gold answers with, his voice muffled. As if this Stan person had engulfed him in a giant bear hug.

She really has to see this.

Because Gold is not a particularly touchy-feely person. He lets _her_ touch him, but even then he's somewhat cagey about it, backing away before things can go too far. With others he's more than aloof, sidestepping their attempts at any sort of contact. Usually he stays behind the counter and that seems to keep people just far enough away.

She slides the curtain open just a few inches and peeks out.

For a moment she's not quite sure what she's seeing.

She sees Gold. Or at least as much of Gold as she _can_ see. He's surrounded by…something. It's large. Orange…ish? And she's pretty sure it has tentacles.

 _Tentacles_.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" She doesn't even _try_ slurring the words to sound drunk. There's no point. This is simply the most amazing and horrific and _what the bloody hell_ thing she has ever seen in her entire life.

And she's seen a lot in her scant few years.

A half-naked Ruby pinning a man almost twice her size to the ground when he thought he could get a little fresh with her.

She never did ask why she was half naked.

Nor where she learned the moves that took the man to the ground.

Just watching had been enough.

And there had been the time Leroy had gotten far too drunk and offered a strip tease for all the women at the Rabbit Hole. They _almost_ took him up on it, but his stripping down to his boxer shorts was far more than enough for them.

So yes.

She'd seen a fair bit.

But this?

No. She's _never_ seen this.

The _thing_ hugging Gold, for that seems to be what it's doing, suddenly shifts and she's faced with two very large eyes watching her. She lets out a little squeal and backs up a pace. But she can't shut the curtain.

She wants to run.

But she feels rooted to the place.

"Belle!" it shouts.

"Oh God, not you too," she mutters.

"Lacey!" Gold shouts. Or at least he tries to. His voice is muffled against the creature's…the creature's…well…something.

"What the hell _is_ that thing?" Lacey finally manages to get out.

"I'm Stan!" it shouts and she's almost sure she hears a little hurt in its voice. Hurt. In the voice of a…whatever the hell it is. Some sort of sea creature. That _talks_.

"Belle!" it shouts again.

Before she can move, and God would she have moved if she could have, the creature is flinging itself across the room at her. She's sure by now that it's some weird and extremely large octopus. Or a giant squid. How big did they get anyway? She can't quite remember her biology class at that moment as she's watching this _thing_ with wide eyes.

Gold is rushing after it.

He tries at least. Tries to stop it. Tries to call it back. Like it's some sort of demented pet. At least if it were a dog she'd just get jumped on or her leg humped or some such thing.

But no. This thing enfolds her in what might be the most disgusting version of a hug she's ever experienced. She'd rather hug _Keith_ and that's really saying something. Because Keith might be a pathetic excuse for a human being but he is at least _human_.

"Get it off me!" she shouts, but it just holds her closer and she's pretty sure whatever goopy crap is all over its body is now all over _hers_.

"Stan!" she hears Gold Shout again. His voice is higher than she's ever heard it. There's almost a…nervous giggle?...behind the word.

It shouts _that_ _name_ again and Lacey just wants to _bite it_. Bite it hard. She resists the urge though. "Get off me you overgrown calamari!"she shouts and shoves at the disgusting and sloppy fleshy body of the ridiculous creature.

"That's squid!" Gold shouts and finally manages to help pull whatever it is off her.

Lacey is left standing on the opposite side of the room from Gold and his… _pet_. She's covered in more goop than she even really wants to think of. She can feel it sticking to her dress, coating her skin, and she tries _very carefully_ not to breathe in too quickly for fear she'll get a mouthful of it.

"What the hell is that thing, Gold?" she manages to get out through clenched teeth. "And what the hell am I covered in?"

Gold gives her a look. Sheepish. It's the first time she could _ever_ remember him looking anything but completely in control. And then he heaves a sigh and raises a hand. She's not sure what he's going to do, but then he waves it front of himself and she feels this oddly tingly feeling around her entire body. She watches as the goop on her arms lifts off and dissipates. A moment later she's clean.

Clean.

No disgusting goop on her.

Her hair and clothing pristine.

She looks up and simply stares at Gold and the creature called Stan, eyes wide, mouth half open.

"It seems I have a lot of explaining to do," Gold finally says.

Lacey just nods as Gold waves a hand toward the back of the shop. A lot of explaining, indeed.


End file.
